Leave Married Sons and Daughters Alone

By CHARLES M. GUTHRIE
of the Minneapolis Tribune editorial page staff
published by the StarTribune
February 4, 1956


   BEING, by virtue of long exposure, something of an elder statesman in the field of family relations, I am sometimes importuned by distraught parents for advice on how to meet trying situations. What would I do if I were in their shoes? My customary response is, "You've got me!" Or I suggest that they see a psychiatrist or someone else who is half smart.
   You can qualify as an expert, though, merely by advising them to do nothing. Often, if you do nothing, the problem will go away. I urged such a course upon a parent a couple of years ago and counted it one of the greatest favors I ever bestowed.

   THIS distressed lady was feeling neglected by her recently married daughter and son-in-law. It seems that the kids were minding their own business to an acute degree and asking none of the customary favors and handouts. They went their way and wanted the old folks to go theirs. There was little social contact, at least not enough to suit mama. She wondered what could be done about it.
   There was nothing that could be done about it, I said, nothing but to give thanks that the young ones were willing to be on their own, that they were not bumming meals or borrowing money or hinting that refurbishment of wardrobes would be nice proof of parental affection.

   MANY a youth and a maid today has an appallingly light-hearted approach in responsibility, I reminded the "neglected" mother. They buy cars on little but faith and $15 a month, get married without "eating money," and trust that fate will provide. Too often fate turns out to be the old folks. The kids figure that if they get in a jam the elders will bail them out. If the chips really are down, dad and mother also will provide shelter. This is a lousy arrangement. By this time everyone should know it. But it does get the kids in out of the snow.
   It's refreshing to encounter young ones of independent spirit and it would seem sheer folly to attempt to break down such an attitude. However, it's not hard to see why the mother in the case noted here was not moved to cheers and did not accept with good grace my advice to do nothing. She knew that marriage was a picnic--complete with bugs. She didn't want her child to suffer. She wanted her to have things, including advice from mama.

   PARENTS are natural eager beavers where married children are involved and nothing stings them quite as hard as the thought that they're no longer needed. It's difficult for them to do nothing but it's dead easy to meddle--in circumstances that are none of their business. I know what I'm talking about. I do some meddling now and again. Instead of leaving the kids alone, which is how a lot of married young folks prefer it, mom and pop either over-indulge and spoil them or make them resentful.
   There is marked stupidity on all sides. Newlyweds are stupid, not because they get hitched, but because they have not lived long enough to have perspective. Their parents are stupefied by their protective instincts.

   IT MAKES you shudder to think of fumbles made in early marriage. Back when I was a green husband, my wife and I would drive 100 miles into Wisconsin every other weekend to visit her parents. We wanted to be there and assumed that they wanted us. Up to a certain point perhaps they did. But my mother-in-law must have grown weary of the guests-for-dinner chore and wished that we lived a couple of states away. She should have given us the heave but didn't. She was too gracious a woman. Also the indulgence must have given her a satisfaction, a sense of being needed even though it meant extra work.
   When Josephine gets married, it's better that she and her mate take off for remote parts, where they are free of all the foul-ups involving relatives. But if they do live close by and insist on preserving their independence, it would be nice if they did not flaunt said independence to a degree that caused parental suffering.

   THE KIDS should not so well remember that trite warning of a year or so back that "if you're old enough to get married you're old enough to be on your own so don't expect any more help from us."
   This is a statement that on the face of it , makes complete sense. But it doesn't quite work out. Dad and mother live to learn that they did not flaunt said in- that strong.
   Nevertheless, the non-meddling policy is the right one. Do nothing and play for time, I say. Kids want to live their own lives and should, but they don't brush off the old folks permanently. After a while they have a way of "coming home" again.

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