Valentine is a Big Help in Making Marriage Tick

By Charles M. Guthrie
of the Minneapolis Tribune editorial page staff
published by the StarTribune 
Feb 13 1954

 IN THE FIELD of romance I am not particularly nimble and would not presume to advise the lovelorn.  But with Valentine's day coming on and spring not far off I am moved to pen a few sweet nothings--to expound on affairs of the heart and point the way to enduring matrimony.
   After a 26-year survey of the problem I believe that the business of getting along in marriage simmers down to one big fundamental and that after this has been pounded into your skull you have the problem licked.
   The experts, of course, who pontificate almost daily on the subject in all media of communication, would not buy this.  It's much too simple.  They would have you think that the whole husband-wife relationship is saturated in nuances, subtleties and psychological twists that would confound a Philadelphia lawyer--and that if you don't spot them early and take corrective action Cupid will take a powder.
   Why, a year after the ceremony, they ask, does Joe have to spend three or four evenings a week at the office?  Why have Mary's eyes quit lighting up when her man crosses the threshold?
   It could be that Joe is enamored of the office blonde and that Mary's eyes now shine for the grocery clerk.  But it's probable that no triangles are involved.  It's more likely that Joe and Mary simply have begun taking each other for granted and that, with the thrill of the chase gone, Joe has returned to the poker game and Mary to evenings with mother.

   THE ONLY WAY for marriage to work is for the participants to make it work.  I grow sad to hear of kids getting married and then kicking over the traces on discovery that the honeymoon doesn't last forever and that the union involves stern and relentless obligations.  I doubt that any marriage ever was so perfect that no adjustments were necessary, that there weren't quarrels and moments of rebellion.  But I never wasted much envy on bachelors and deem marriage a great and rich experience.  I dislike seeing it profaned by those unwilling to clear the early breakers and sail into the smooth water.
   It's no trick to be happy with your spouse.  You got along well enough while courting.  Why should love turn cold after you're legally hitched?  It wouldn't if Joe and Mary used the same finesse after marriage that they did before.

   WE HIT the nub of the thesis now.  Here is where the valentine routine comes in.  Or, to phrase it more exactly, the attention to little details.A fellow always gives a valentine to his girl.  Why not his wife?  Any husband who down-grades the valentine should see a psychiatrist.  Get her a box of candy, boy, or a nosegay, a pair of stockings or a bit of jewelry-- or a valentine.  If you're broke write her a mash note.  Just do something to mark the day.

   Do something to mark every special day, bearing in mind that many days are special to a woman.  There's the wedding anniversary, of course, and birthdays and Mother's day --the obvious ones.  If  you really want to be a smash hit you might keep in mind, too, the anniversary of your first date and your engagement.  Personally, though, I feel that this is going a shade far and that any woman who turns on the frost when hubby slips up here is too great a perfectionist for her own good.

   THE RECIPE for happy marriage, then, in a nutshell, is to keep right on courting after the preacher has made you one.  Many of the ways of courtship fall away, of course, with time.  If you've lived with one woman ever since the Lindbergh flight the pulse does not flutter at her approach and there is no noticeable shortness of breath.  And a fellow married for a quarter of a century is no physical barn-burner.  He has all the allure of a corn-pad.  But by then the major differences have been resolved and love, although not as vibrant as when hands were held during a Garbo and John Gilbert movie, is a lot more enduring.
   You'll slip up now and again.  The courtship occasionally will turn sour and you'll ponder a life of solitude in the Arctic.  But keep your eyes on the stars and there'll be no trip to Reno.  You and the sweet woman will come to figure that you've done rather well.


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